Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Streaming Flow of Consciousness

Do I come off as a flirt?

I believe that I used to, not anymore. It's true, I am affectionate to those I'm comfortable with. And yes, I am comfortable with A LOT of people.

"Well... I come off as a BITCH!" JoeV declared shamelessly.


To me, I like proving people wrong. Think what you want and I'll do something unexpected.. but again, I'm pretty predictable.

Damien rebutted, "but what people perceive about you is important... because it sticks with them.. it takes time to 'prove them wrong.'"

And I began to get self conscious. So... how do I come off?- Easy? Not special? Predictable... TOO honest? There is no mystery to Letopho.


My flirtatious past has come to bite me in the butt. "Oh Chris, it's all clear to me now.. you're just ONE BIG FLIRT." Said this boy that I'm starting to re-like subtlety.

I wanted to argue, "no... I really did have feelings for you [last year]..." but for some reason I just let him believe that I really was just playing around. Then I found some entries.. and "sort of like" was all that I could describe him as...

Really, where ARE my feelings? What DOES my body want?


I vented to Neil. He advised me: "You need to listen to your body. Even though 'he' has everything you think you want... if your body says no then you have to listen.

It's okay to discriminate." But, what about "giving people a chance?"


Is that how it works? I guess, you don't expect to just fall hard for someone immediately. I guess that's what going on a date is for.

You see potential... you see where it goes.

Do you like what you see? or more importantly, does your 'body' like what they see?


What about all these prerequisites?- "I like Asian guys" "I like tall boys" "I like guys with a successful career" "I like boys who look like cats."

I think these attributes are mere filters for the sea of strangers... but in actuality, you can fall in love with just ANYONE.

Even your friends.. if you give them that Chance. So maybe it IS possible get out of the friend zone... even though it seems like death to be placed there.

And maybe I should have given the boy that I "sort of like" a chance. But it seems to me like the boy ironically put chains on me while I sit in HIS friend zone.


I'm starting to realize how good it feels to "be on the same page" as someone... withOUT having to say it. For instance, you know you're just friends so you're affectionate without question. You know you are fuck buddies, so you FUCK without question. You know you're drunk so you make out with 5 boys at Dragon without question.

And then feelings and emotions get in the way and everything gets weird.

Maybe that's why I've been so void of emotions.


A couple of my friends are taking it slow. There is some interest, but neither of them are interested in a relationship. It made me think about James...


Ugh. I'm in a weird place right now when it comes to emOtions.

1 comment:

Bryan said...

emotions can make life really, really fucked up sometimes.