Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Therapy

I attended a discussion with Project 333 on Monday regarding the increase in API's who have tested positive.  By the end of the night, it became a therapy session that I greatly needed.

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During the discussion, we established that Sex is a taboo and therefore there is little proper education about it, but I'm glad that it's an open conversation with me and my mom.

 My mom saw my hickey last week and this is what she said:
"is that a hickey?"
"yes." *SHAME*
"Christopher... always think twice!"
"Okay!" And then I ran way... I thought I told myself never to go into the kitchen again!

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The grad student facilitating the discussion was very good, engaging, and his white board utilized arrows, circles and colors to keep the discussion organized. I felt like I was back in classroom discussion where people were actually thinking. It felt good to think.

Why Engage in risky behavior?
Possibly because we feel invincible. There is no possible way we can get sick. And we idiotically trust our partners. At times, I feel invincible. I am also a victim of this idea... that nothing possibly bad can happen and as a result I engage in risky behavior.

Trust no one.

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The second part of the discussion involved "triggers." Or things namely stress, loneliness, depression that push us to participate in risky behavior. I participated in a skit where someone was recently dumped because he wasn't sexually experienced enough and as a result went to Dragon, and hooked up with an Abercrombie Model who also offered him pills.

WOW! Does that really happen? Who Hooks up at Dragon?!

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I wanted to talk about my trigger, but I wasn't brave enough. So I'll talk about my trigger here.
Feeling trapped and needing to depend on others
And my risky behavior ironically becomes dependency.

Let me explain- especially now, I feel as though I have no control over my life. And that I need to depend on others to get around to figure things out. I feel inferior and unaccomplished and worthless. My risky behavior is then dependency because I no longer think for myself... comfort myself... entertain myself... be productive.  And I reach out like a child for a blanket or a book of answers. It's a ridiculous circle, i know.  But my friends/James have doing a spectacular job at cutting me off and letting me fend for myself.  The lightrail is my car and my blog is my lover.

But I find it so difficult to only depend on yourself... when you suck so much.

==

Then they talked about Goal Setting and how risky behavior is an obstacle and passed out a worksheet. I am excited to fill it out and share it with you.  Ironically, I facilitated a goal setting workshop in High school.

This is exactly what I need... exactly. It felt like therapy.

2 comments:

dannie said...

seems like that "therapy" was good for you. yea i've heard about hooking up at dragon. or attempts at it. pretty scary..you never heard of the secret room or the dark room? or whatever?

Huan said...

HEY! i was in the last Project 333 cohort during the summer in SF! =)