Sunday, November 23, 2008

Releasing Thoughts

Disclaimer: Immature and Emo Entry

I haven't posted because I've been depressed and I'm trying a new method of resolving my depression called Holding it In. What an epic fail.

No, it's not a big deal that the DMV has decided that I am not fit to drive until two months after my expected date. It IS a big deal that I continually feel like I'm being kicked in the balls and slapped in the face despite my efforts. I am fed up- surprise fees, extended probation periods... it doesn't end even though I am begging to put everything behind me, something new always comes up.

I yelled at my lawyer for the 'misunderstanding.' He was apologetic, I was tired of fighting.

I feel like someone is out to get me. And I hid in my room for 5 days trying to reestablish my faith in my life.


Depression, what is it? You sleep a lot. You're awake at odd hours. You eat junk, you don't eat at all. No energy, no motivation. I experienced that for those 5 days. I slept at 10pm and woke up at 4:30am seeking comfort from who ever was online. Scanning my buddy list an obsessive amount of times; messaging people that I haven't messaged in ages but unfortunately, even insomniacs have already climbed into bed by that time.

I took a walk at 5:00am. I climbed the hill behind my house. My imagination ran wild and I pictured getting stabbed. Fear. I sat in tree and took pictures of the early morning mist. Maybe I should stay here until sunrise. But I grew lonelier.

I have been having suicidal thoughts. I feel like walking into the street, hoping to get run over by a drunk driver so that irony can end my stress an anxiety.


I didn't feel like reaching out anymore. I wanted to be found. I wanted to be cared about with out having to ask for it. I needed someone to say, "Chris, I care about you and things are going to be okay." Because hearing your own voice, no matter how bold it may be, can never compare to hearing it from someone who means it.


On Thursday I chatted with a friend
"I am depressed"
"So am I"
"I need to get out of the house"
"Then do it Chris"
"Yes, I will... because we are do-ers!"
"GO Chris GO!"

And I found myself biking to the mall. If I was in Vietnam, I would have gone somewhere more interesting... my love for the suburbs has gone stale.

Mony called me and I took the light rail to his place. I helped a guy buy a ticket and he gave me a dollar. That cheered me up temporally.

I slept over. And crawled into bed with his roommate while Mony slept with his bf who loves him an absurd amount. I found myself reaching out and wrapping my arm around his roommate... absorbing his body heat hoping that it may heal me.


I was looking forward to Saturday. It was an important day because finally things were back to normal- Joe, Zeto, Mony and I were back together. I felt like some regularity was coming back.

And Mony brought his boyfriend with out telling anyone. Took me half a day to get over it. I felt disrespected. I felt like I was back in high school because Drama was becoming my favorite subject and I was more selfish than I should have been.


William told me to 'get out of my head.' Because I was thinking too much... I was trapped in my own mind. And Joe poured compliments down my throat like thick sweet maple syrup after I vented to him. "I am depressed."

"You are spectuwonderawesomebrillamazing." Joe really cares about me.


After two weeks of not really hearing from him, James called me on Friday. Drunk.
Told me he missed me.
Told me he missed holding me.
Saying shit like, "you want to be my boyfriend don't you? I was picturing us dating at a restaurant. Do you have a crush on me?"

I was very very very vulnerable... and he liked it.
And then he disappeared, ignoring my text messages... all of a sudden.. he was really busy. Like any craigslist hook up you're suppose to FUCK then leave.

But for James he stole my unashamed affection for him... and then left.

Which I think is worse.
He is a drug. Providing me with a quick fix of comfort, but at the same time destroying my health as I became dependent... because I needed someone to act like I was wanted.


Wow. This feels really good. Fuck holding it in.


I'm okay now. I just needed to be around some people. I was getting cabin fever. I am struggling to find something to keep me busy. and "What Not to Wear" on TLC have been rotting my brain.

Wasn't Vietnam supposed to help me be inspired? Yes... it was. Inspired me to wish I was back there. Let's go back for 2009.

In the mean time, I'm going to listening to Lady Gaga-- and just dance.


Huy said...

Hey Chris, hang tough, cousin. Think of the shit that Michelle is going through. Remember we still have it pretty good

Stanza said...

hey man you gotta get your mind off that shit.
Try to get job like a bartender or something.
Learn to mix drinks, meet all kinds of people and fuck em up :)

Bryan said...