Monday, November 24, 2008

For Good Measure

I already prepared myself to forget about James. Removed him from my IM list so that it would stop glaring at me. Like everything else, I was getting over it. The bridge I built to get over it had an approved bullet train thanks to proposition 1A.

He IMed me, asked if I was free and told me he was coming over to get his beanie that he had forgotten at my house before I left for Vietnam. I didn't wait for him, what I learned was not to expect anything from him. But he arrived in front of my house like he said. I walked to his car wearing his beanie giving him the choice of staying or going.

If he had just grabbed his beanie and left, I would have shrugged my shoulders. I just needed a hug and a nice good bye to get closure. In many ways, that would have been better.

I asked him if he wanted to come in and he followed me into my room.


For some reason, I couldn't stop looking at him. He lost weight, his hair was longer and he was wearing new glasses, he was more attractive than before. "Can we talk?" As I held him tight in my bed he needed to say what was on his mind.

"You know, you don't have to say anything because I really understand." Especially since we have had this conversation before.
"no, we really should talk"

He said everything that I expected him to say, but was more apologetic. To me, I had put him in that situation so there was no need for him to feel bad. But I guess I am good at making people feel guilty.

"What would you say if this is the last time I see you"
"I would say that.. it makes sense"
"What ever 'relationship' we have is unhealthy... we both know it."
"That's why it makes sense"

He cried a little. Adorable.

"Can you let me know when you find someone that makes you happy?"
"That won't be for a while because I have to establish myself before I establish a relationship with anyone."
"Heh, me too..." James was planning a trip at the end of the year. A trip to figure himself out.
"I guess we are more a like than I thought"


As we kissed he said, "Wanna hook up one more time?"
And I slapped him.


Removing the excitement of uncertainty, we messed around one last time. But it was different. It was playful not passionate. There was more laughter and conversation in between. I would have been happy just laying next to him naked.

"Maybe I should go... maybe this is a bad idea" too bad he's the one that bluntly asked for it.
"It's up to you, I'm okay really... so it doesn't matter to me, but I'd like you stay longer"

In the FARRRR back of my mind, I knew that it was a bad idea. If not for me, than for him to prolong the good bye with naked fun. Plus part of him was thinking about going to the gym anyway. I could read him like a book... a book with pictures... lots of pictures.


I wanted to take a picture of him. Of course he wouldn't let me. But I told him that I would hand him the camera and he would have the power to delete or not. I was able to take one good artistic shot of his adorable face. I handed him the camera. "This is actually a very good shot." He bit his lip as if he was deciding if he should let me keep it or not. He returned the camera and I turned it off without checking.


"I can't be there for you... I can't let you be a part of my life completely, maybe just 65%." We laughed.
"Part of me wants to fight for you, part of me doesn't"
"Fight for what? Want me to come out?"
"No... just try to make it work"

"I don't like having a double life. Even getting your text messages, I get paranoid." I agreed, but what I should have said was- you're going to ALWAYS live a 'double life.' But once again, I was tired of fighting.


"What if I told you I had a girlfriend?" Like me, James is curious about different scenarios.
"Then that would be HOT, because I slept with you!" My straight guy fetish is obvious.
"I never thought of it like that!" I guess, he was expecting a sad answer.

"I'm glad you came"
"I didn't want to just disappear with out saying anything... I don't want to be like that"
"Yeah.. and you also needed to get your beanie."
"That too."

The fact that he decided to come to visit me to talk was more than what I had expected. If he had disappeared, I would have just filed him under jerk and moved on. But I felt really respected. And something right was happening for once... and maybe he cared about me more than I thought... and that's all I could ask for really.


I watched him dress and I thought to myself how physically attracted I am to him, but once again, "I can't be there for you" rang through my ears. He wasn't even capable of being friend... couldn't even check on me if I was okay. Couldn't even call to say hi.

"Almost forgot this" he grabbed his beanie
"Darn!" this really was good bye.


As we embraced at my door step, our favorite place to embrace. He asked me what I was thinking about. "I am thinking about how tall you are and how I like it." He smiled. "What at you thinking about?"
"How this is the last time I'm going to see you... and I'm going to miss you...I really like you Chris." I smiled.

"You probably think i'm just using a line.. that I'm bullshitting." He read my face. Especially since we've done this before but this time he wanted to cut all contact.

"well, if you think this is the right thing to do."
"it is." his words were confident and sharp, but his eyes were unsure.
"then... it's okay, as long as you're sure."
"I'm not going to contact you anymore."
"I already removed you for my buddy list."
"really?" he was surprised at how quick I was. like I said... Bullet Train.


He grabbed my butt and we said almost in unison, "for good measure." Because that's what he usually says when he grabs my butt at my door step.


He left me with a gift from the Philippines. Before he gave it to me, I was thinking that he was returning the KidRobot toy and friendship bracelet I had made for him. I reached into the bag and pulled out a wooden penis ashtray from the Islands. Of course. The Philippines has a wooden penis obsession. We had one last good laugh.


As he walked away, I put my hand on my head trying to absorb everything that happened. He stopped and asked if I was okay. And I was.. really I was. He probably thought I was crying.. maybe he wanted to comfort me one more time. But I don't cry over boys.

I never asked if he was okay. I'd always assume he was stronger one.. or rather just used to facing things alone.


I returned to my room and looked at my camera. He had deleted the picture.

And that's what happens when you seek comfort off craigslist. And why people say, "no strings attached." Like spider-man falling from a skyscraper, I had shot a shit full of string onto James, hoping that he would catch me before I fell.

But it was too much for him to handle... he couldn't even be a friend.

I am thankful that he respectfully told me that I needed to find someone else to depend on and by doing so he had actually saved me from falling too hard.


dannie said...

aw sorry to hear about the "break up" sad to hear..but i'm glad he respected you enough to say goodbye in person :]

X said...

awww =(

just keep on hangin in there.