Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dangerous yet Desirable

I saw the boy that I had been crushing on for a year now. The boy that I avoided because... he was just a boy and at that time, I didn't want to "corrupt him."

He finally came out. While others stood shocked, I smiled and said, "I knew it all a long...after all he was flirting with me" I ended up in his in room, jet lagged, wanting to nap, but then talking about what was going on in his mind.

"You are a newb, you are dangerous"
"What does that mean?" He was very curious
"It means, that you're in a stage where you can't commit your emotions because everything is new and exciting and you just want to explore.. and have fun with your sexuality. And at the same time, others desire you because you have yet to be tainted by the 'community.' You are dangerous" Because I was desiring him for that very reason. Because kissing him did not mean kissing 100 other nameless "mistakes."
"I shouldn't be telling you this, you ought to be figuring this out on your own." I was jealous that he had someone to explain what typically happens... but by merely telling him won't prevent him from making mistakes, hurting others, getting hurt. All of which are necessary anyway.

He came close to my body. I held him tight. "You are dangerous." We tangled our limbs. I wanted to kiss him really badly, but I let him make the moves to remove me from responsibility. And while in my arms he came in for a kiss and we made out. I was reminded of when I was new to all of this; back when I was very aggressive and easily excited.

2nd Base
I wondered if he was paranoid that his roommates would walk in, he wasn't. He kissed as if he'd never kissed before, but as we went on he got the hang of it. He told me that he had already kissed one other boy. And no longer did I feel guilty. As long as I didn't have to take responsibility for being his first. I was careful, we were fully clothed the entire time. I looked at his face... he was just a kid.

I had to go. I felt bad because I felt like I took something away from him- innocence. Maybe I gave him "experience," but unlike my first or second time... there was no intention from either sides of commitment; how could there be? I had demonstrated exactly what I had said minutes before, "desirable...dangerous."

I left saying, "Im sorry if I left you more confused."
To this he responded, "no.. you didn't." And he closed the door because we both knew that we were just... messing around. I let him experiment on me... while he let me relive the excitement of being new to all of this.

I came home and saw Caitlin. She shouted, "OMG, your neck!!!!" I rushed to the mirror. The boy had left marks on my skin. Several, dark hickeys on my neck from his inexperienced lips. OMG. I had forgotten what it felt like to get a hickey and did not stop him. The last time I had a hickey was Freshman/Sophomore year. A time that I was new and having fun with my newly discovered sexuality or rather newly discovered unashamed sexcapades, ... marking others and then putting their name down on my resume in my black book as I was" gaining experience."

I took part of his innocence, but I didn't allow myself to get far, I assure you that I kept my boundaries. He retaliated by marking me... No turtle neck or scarf can hide the fact that I had fallen into temptation...

Untainted boys are dangerous...yet utterly desirable


dannie said...

a cold spoon will do the trick =P

Alex C. said...



Rich Nam said...

Oh man... I'm sorry Chris. I am so sorry. I must have made things awkward for you too, not just JV. :(