Monday, August 18, 2008

I've Been Feeling Blah

Ever since my night out on the Castro I've been feeling blah.

You know the feeling you get when you eat too much oily foods? Yeah, it's not that I feel self conscious about my body (I do), moreover, I feel unhealthy.

I've also been feeling really ugly since my skin has been getting worse and my quest to find my soul is hitting a dead end.

This Saturday, I went to this house warming party. The attendance: bay area gay Asian young professionals. Everyone was doing something with their life. If not law school, than consulting, if not research then Med school. I found it difficult to really 'network,' because I am no longer as confident as I used to be.

Gay Asian Icon Evan Low was there to give me some encouraging words. Only two years older than me and he is already a house hold name in the community. I was lucky enough to know him in high school and thus making conversation with him had more substance. He introduced me to his friends with pride, "Do you know Chris? He was a super star high schooler." I was taken back. I was- I rocked high school. I could tell in his voice that he thought I would be going somewhere by now because of my potential. And he was disappointed that I haven't found direction since the last time I spoke to him. I have lost my way.

In my planner I marked my one year anniversary with my first job. This is definitely a transitional moment for recent post grads as you rarely stick with your first job. Especially when you discover that the 9-5 is not so glorious.

But where do I go from here?
I'm so used to my life being painted out. High school, College... Job?

People try to help, but my dead end answers leave them challenged.

"What did you love doing as a kid?" Maybe it will translate into a passion.
"Don't think about what you're good at, think about what you would like to be good at because you can train to be good at it." Maybe this will point me somewhere.
"You would love being a teacher," force feeding me a path didn't really help either.
"You should do something. The only way to find out what you want to do is find out what you don't want to do... deduction. And essentially, you aren't wasting your time." I guess that makes sense, I can't be wasting time since I don't know what I should be doing anyway.


I'm just discouraged.
I realized that Left Eye was rapping about me: I am a Scrub.
"Hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride," namely MoAny or Aaron. I've always been a passenger and when I get a hold of the wheel, I crash and burn.

I have been applying to jobs, but I haven't gotten any responses.
Grad school looks impossible because I barely qualify.

And I think I'm done with all this "fun" I'm having. I'm starting to realize that I no longer know what's important to me. My body is yelling at me now because I'm exhausted, pimply, and undesirable.

I don't want to sound too much like a self hating, pity me tickle me EMO, I'm just thinking out loud in hopes of discovering something. I have a goal:

September 16 is the LAST day I have to do DUI school. All my fines are all paid up. The only unresolved issue is that I can't drive until January 2009. So why I don't I go somewhere I don't have to drive? Ok... that's the date. I can do this.... direction. Direction.

1 comment:

dannie said...

i only have a solution that might help your skin. Get sleep. You should sleep early and get at least 8 hours of sleep :] You're not the only one that goes through these lost phases in life we all do. You'll find your way through it.