Friday, May 30, 2008

Everything Has its Place

On Wednesday, I drove to Berkeley again to help Huan move to Emeryville because he's a gimp and help JV get some furniture. In return Huan bought me a delicious Pho lunch in Oakland at this place called Pho Hoa Lao! Holla! and JV fed me his mom's Banh Xeo also, delish.

I was more than happy to be of some use. Everyone was starting a new chapter of their lives.

JV, Christine and I spent the evening talking about random things particularly about boys, and love etc.

We talked about how people fall in love with an idea as opposed to in love with a person. Consequentially, they project that idea onto a person and "fall in love." Only to be fooling themselves.

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I was poked by a 'straight boy' over thefacebook that I was was mildly interested in that night. A couple of months back we chatted on AIM.

"Hey Stud"
"Um.. Chris, I'm straight"
"I know."
".. oh.. sorry, I thought you were hitting on me"
"um.. I just called you a stud"
"oh okay. Sup?"

We would randomly chat and it would always relate to something gay because well... a lot of people thought he was gay.. and that really affects a straight guy's self image. One time, just to mess with his head, I told him that he should try it with a guy at least once. He laughed it off. What I find interesting is that he casually refers to specific guys as "good looking." Well, that's no cause for alarm, but I just thought it was interesting.

I text him and he responded. At 12:30am he asked if I had a place to crash. I could have crashed at JV's, BUT I would be a fool to turn down this offer and I drove to his place.

When I entered his studio, I immediately noticed that everything he owned neatly had a home. His bookshelf was aligned perfectly. His bed was perfectly made. His bathroom spotless and his tooth paste perfectly place upright. In his walk in closet, his underwear was neatly rolled, his shirts folded as if they sat on shelf at a store. I was thinking... wow.

I felt that my life was cluttered and dirty compared to his. He had goals, he was driven; passionate. He had an extra toothbrush for me and a pair of shorts that he probably set aside for guests; and reminded me to floss.

I asked for lotion, he responds, "yeah! maybe that's why people think I'm gay, I take care of myself like a gay guy." "Well, I don't think that's gay, you just have 'man-sessities'" He was really amused at my remark. I couldn't tell if he was insecure or very secure.. or a strange medium when it comes to sexuality. But as we talked more, I got a clear message of what he was in to.

We talked about.. everything. He told me about the girls he messed around with. He was SO straight. He talked about sex. He talked about the trials and trebulations of trying to get a girl that he was interested in. He loves punani so much. Regardless, I tried to read his signals. I tried to understand what his motives were. I kept my space.

Why was he so friendly? Was he curious? Nervous? He talked about always being hit on by gay guys and old ladies. I just went with the flow. Why did he invite me to come over in the middle of the night. Do straight guys ask blantly GAY guys to come over just to talk? Apparently.

He told me a couple of good drinking stories. I commented that he had no alcohol in his studio. He pulled out a bottle of Jack from on top of the fridge. He didn't suggest that we should drink. I bit my tongue as well and he quickly tucked it back to where is belonged in his kitchen.

We talked about really emotional things. He opened up eventhough he didn't consume any 'truth serum.' He talked about trying to be intimate with girls, about tough times with family. He was honest and vulnerable.

It got really late and I curlled into the futon that he prepared for me and he slipped into his bed.

Neither of us could sleep. I could not read his mind so I kept talking. "Do you ever get lonely living in this studio by yourself?" "You know.. everyone always asks me this... yeah.. I do."

I usually fall asleep the minute I jump in bed, but I didn't get what was going on. We talked until 4:30AM...we talked about cuddling.. and how nice it was to just wake up with someone in your arms and how we both missed it. I asked him a reasonable question:

"would you ever want to cuddle with a guy?"
"um.. i would be adverse to it at first... but I dunno.."

*silence* I was dying. I took a deep breath and decided to be direct and hoped that he was thinking the same thing.

"...um.. do you think we could cuddle?"
"i'm sorry chris.. but.."
"no no no! don't be sorry, I would just hate myself if I didn't ask."
"well, asking is better than doing without asking."
"yeah. I don't do that."

And after that, I fell asleep... all the ambiguity was killing me. A simple 'no' put me out of misery. His motives were clear. He was simply lonely and I was able to comfort him by being a friend, but the affection that I wanted from him... he couldn't offer.

It was quiet again...He was on his bed, and I was on his futon... everything had its place.

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