Thursday, August 30, 2007

Risky Business

After watching Risky Business and visiting the World Finance Group for my cousin, I have come to realize that my job is really honest. The World Finance Group has great marketers, they almost sold me a service I didn’t need and primed the conversation by insisting that I have an open mind. I was already suspicious. Hanging on the wall of this beautiful two story office was an oil paint of a fat Chinese man, the founder. Clue #1. During the presentation, a great presentation by the way, they threw out great hook slogans like, “People don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan” to compliment their personal anecdotes. Clue #2. And they told me, If I am driven and have a passion I can work for them and receive a “generous compensation” that was purely commission based; Final clue. Other clues existed, for instance, the person doing the presentation was a Fashion Major and the Marketing director couldn’t answer my question about the turn over rate for “associates.” The movie, with Tom Cruise also exposed the dirty side of business. But you should watch it for yourself, it’s like soft porn.

I like my job because it’s honest. I feel like marketing can be deceptive. Marketers at times convince people to buy products/services that they don’t necessarily need. Since my product fulfills needs; clients come to us. I don’t want to take advantage of people, and in that sense, I guess consumer marketing isn’t for me. I think I may be better suited for event marketing. Like press releases and media stuff. Entertainment! It’s all becoming clearer; I can only promote things that I believe in. And I believe in making information available and letting the consumer decided if it’s right for them. I’ll never work purely on commission. It creates motives. I’m thrilled that I have more of a direction now. I plan to stay here for at least a year, afterward, I’ll probably find a job that’s more suited for what I want to do.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

August Recap

August was very eventful! Here are some quick pics!

DnB Celebration: New Jobs, Back to School and the Eiffel Tower !

Got Tested and celebrated with Cluck U Chicken and Hairspray/Borne Ultimatum Drive-In movie. Btw. My car battery died. Good thing there were nice people in the lot!

Finally made it to the Mystery Spot. During our wait, we took Custom timer shots.
Consequentially, the battery died before we could take any "mysterious" pictures.
But... choose your Ignian!

Tofu's & Jet Friends' Good Bye at SF International Airport.
I made him a scrapbook of senior year. It was a lot of work and cost a bit to print 300 pictures. I wish I color xeroxed it before giving it to him. He's start a new chapter in his life. Hopefully, our stories will collide again.

The Blank Club with good friends and my Hip Cousin!
Look, I resurrected my ugly shirt!

Prom 2007

My cousin gave me dresses to donate and so Diana and Janelle put them on and next thing we knew, it was PROM! We went to BJ's and show south San Jose what good wholesome fun really means! YAY!

Decorating Smyr's classroom
Smyr is doing Teach for America and he asked us to decorate his room!I wrote some helpful websites on the board:,, and

Speaking of education, Ms. South Carolina will explain why American's can't locate the US on a map:

Please watch and laugh out loud

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Lessons to Make a Better Life as Days go by

I sat in front of my computer after work and started to devour the noodles my mom left me in the microwave. I shoveled the lukewarm meal into my mouth with a fork. Noodles hung down like a waterfall. A flashback:

I’m in a nice neighborhood, the suburbs, in the middle of the afternoon. It’s bright. I turn around to walk back to the corner house that I had just left from. I knock on the large wooden front door; it opens. There stands Ryan, tall, with a piece of jerky hanging from his mouth and a confused look on his face. “I just wanted to give you a hug.” He responds, “I was just thinking that.” I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my head on his shoulder. Perfect fit. I take one last sniff of his cologne and walk to my car without looking back. Sadden.

I was pretty mean to Ryan and I always reasoned that he deserved everything I did to him. It takes a while to learn not to punish people you care about... but rather focus on what makes them wonderful.

My cousin is about 1 or 2 years older than me, but he has a developmental problem. When we were growing up, it was always a race of who is going to be taller. But as I grew 1, 2, 3 inches taller, he was left behind in other ways. His mind is like a child’s and his parents really don’t do much to help him to what I can see. He called me incessantly last week, talking about some internship he just got and he needed my help. I told him I would and tonight after work, I’m going to stop by his office so that he can talk to me about finance stuff as a part of his training. He called me up yesterday and left a voice message:

Hi Christopher, it’s me, well um, I just wanted to call you and, you know, say I know my mom and dad don’t support me much in what I do in life. I just wanted to say I appreciate the love and support you give me, you know. It’s really cool that you actually want to support me in my business, you know. I just want to make my life better as days go on. And yeah, I just want to call and thank you again. Ill see you at 645.

I got kind of sad. I really feel for him, I don’t know. Everyone is so busy with themselves that it’s so hard just to say yes when someone is reaching out. I still haven’t visited my grandpa who always asks me if I have a job yet. And now I have a better answer for him. I should have dinner with him tomorrow.


Yesterday, I called Michelle Nguyen. We really click, but I feel like she can click with anyone. We talked without pause as if we were best friends. She tells stories the way I hope I tell stories. She captivates with energy and passion and always achieves the appropriate reaction. We talked about how NOT funny work was and ended up laughing anyway. She told me some stories and said, “I’m not lonely, I just feel like I need more excitement so that I have something to say when people as me what I’m up to.” So wise.

People who really click need to stay close, even if it’s just through the phone once in a while. If you talk to her, ask her about that one time when she refused a beer.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Broken Camera

I've been a photo nazi all my life. And now that my camera is broke, I'm even worse.
I called my warrantee service and they said they'll give me a full refund if the damages were indeed manufacturing defects! Excellent! I'm going to use that money to buy the new Canon SD1000, sleek and sexy memory capturing device!

Going through Aaron's pictures I found a picture of me and my cousin when we went to one her favorite places to eat: The Garage. The place has live blues music and great sandwiches. She's so hip and independent. Love it. This is the same cousin that I helped out the other day.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Touch Up

I'm sure many wished they could retouch their lives so it's picture perfect.

But when making pictures perfect is a business, it's doable for a 'small' fee.

These are images from my family portait for my church.

Coffee is a Diuretic

Today my office got a new coffee machine that makes lattes and mochas.

I depend on that stuff to keep me going. It’s official, I’m in the real world. Every morning I get in 10-15 minutes early so I can take advantage of the free breakfast. No eggs, but bagels and cereal; that’s all you really need. I print a couple of things now and then and get pissed off when the machine refuses to listen to me. I need to decorate my cubicle, but I noticed that everyone is very minimal when it comes to their space. So I just put up some pictures with my magnetic frames.

Yesterday I zoned out while driving and I missed the exit. But besides that, I’m starting to appreciate traffic because it’s an opportunity to be pensive and an opportunity to catch up with people over the phone. While I drive home, I go through my phonebook and call people so the drive is less agonizing. I love it. I actually think that in my case, driving while talking on the phone is safer, otherwise I would doze off.

It’s really diverse here in the office, you got all sorts of Asian people. HAHA. But the person that I’ve been working with the most is ethnically Asian, but nationally Russian. She has a cool accent and she gives me projects to keep me busy. Since I don’t completely understand the industry, the product, the science, I am only helpful administratively. Makes sense, but I feel as though I’m not reaching my full potential. Then again, it is my first job.

Wednesday night I visited Miwa and friends and had a Pho dinner. I was saddened because I couldn’t drink much. But I guess that’s how it’s going to be on non Friday/Saturdays. It was nice and relaxing. Nick and Kenyon stopped by as well. It made me realize how small the bay is. People travel distances to see friends. I guess, that’s what I’ll be doing too. I’m planning a trip to Japan, but I don’t know yet.

Last night was the celebratory dinner at Dave and Busters: to new chapters and the Eiffel Tower. Aaron and Anthony left early and I felt bad because Anthony bought a round of drinks. He really didn’t have to, but I know he reads this so I’m going to give him a shout out! The rest of the night was brilliant. Ski Ball, Horse Race, Jurassic Park, Jump rope; we ALMOST did everything. Among the four of us, we managed to collect 900 points! But still could only afford candy and yoyos.

Among my list of things to do is still to work out and take a class at night… but not really a class, rather join a singing group or beginner’s hip hop. I need some excitement!

Today is Friday and I got up 20 minutes later because I didn’t need to iron anything. I have no plans for the weekend, but I may go to Berkeley because I was invited to the gay frat’s party: “Balls.” Sounds like an orgy to me and the frat members have very sexual images promoting the frat. That makes me feel very blah because of the way their portraying themselves to be. And Smyr invited me to help him decorate his classroom. But I’m so discouraged because parking at his condo is a mess.

I just got called into the CEO’s office. Apparently I have been ‘snooping’ because I asked the accountant how much the engineer’s were making. Gah, he gave me the benefit of the doubt. I apologized profusely, yet again. And to think, I thought I was being too quiet and passive. Sigh…when does this tax plagued paycheck come in!?
Hot Sales Team and Cold cubicle.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Make You Work Work, Make You Work!

It takes me about 40 minutes to get to work. While listening to 80s music in my ironed shirt and tie, I feel like an old man.

These past two days have been fun. I love being busy and I'm feeling for this company. Today I sat in on a phone conference to Japan. It was really motivating. I developed a lot of questions and tomorrow they are going to give me a presentation on the company and the technology.

I've been having lunch with this engineer, he's pretty cool, my age, but avoids eye contact. Must be an engineer thing. We'll probably be cool co-workers. My account managers are really cool too and I look up to them. They're pretty good at what they do and they are also pretty young. I read an article in Fortune about generation Y. I thought it was very interesting. "In with self esteem and out with spanking!" The article discussed the children of baby boomers in the work force.

I get home at 7, eat dinner with my parents and fuck around for two hours then sleep. I don't have any energy, even to blog. You can tell in my voice! But I guess, you should give me a call and ask me how I'm doing because being in front of the computer all day means I don't want to be on one at home. I don't think I should blog about my company much because they may stumble upon this and I may get in trouble. But the point is, I like it and that's all you need to know.

I found this funny:
Comment: "Does anyone else feel a hobophobic vibe here?"
Response: "what the hell is hobophobic? an extreme fear of the homeless?.. dumbass"
Brilliant! In response to this comic book:

Today I had JV Spinach Salad! Delicious! Thanx John for the recipe!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Night Before Everything

It's 9:00pm and I need to fill up my tank before 11 when the station closes. Tomorrow is my first day at work. And I'm leaving 45 minutes early to anticipate traffic.

Today, I cleaned my room and helped out with the garage sale. Eric Szeto stopped by to say hi and I gave him some comic books for his co-worker. He's always been a good friend. Not just to me, but in general people think very highly of him.

A woman recommended that I take Aloe Vera leaves and rub it on my face. I thanked her for the advice, but got sad because my skin was noticeable to be commented on by a stranger. On my right cheek is a constellation of a heart from old lesions that both Aaron and my mom pointed out. I guess it's cute, but in a not kind of way.

Smyr, Janelle and I headed over to Smyr's new apartment. As he was giving me the tour, I wondered if I had made the right decision. I could see myself living with him. Hanging out after a rough day at work and barely making enough money for our savings because the rent was so high. But that didn't matter because we were on our own. When I got home I asked my dad if I made the right choice. He said, well... I'm always welcomed at home and I can use that extra money to buy a car that I liked. I guess that's cool. I liked his roommate, witty and funny. We talked as if I would be over at his place a lot, but maybe not so much because of work. But I want to be a part of his base group of friends and it seems like Smyr really appreciates me as his friend and that's all I really ask for. Behind my mind, I was hoping his other roommate would die and I could move in in a year. Yeah.. a year.... JK!

I hope I make a sturdy group of San Jose friends, I have a couple of friends here and there, but no group. I'm looking forward to hanging out with Smyr and his roommate, Monyrith, Sean Paul, Jane, Jen and Eric. I'll leave the Berkeley folk to do their Berkeley thing until culture shows and the occasional party. And I'll leave my close group of high school friends to finish school or develop their new chapters in socal.
I need to iron my pants which are too baggy for me and my shirt which is French style. Good thing my cousin gave me cuff links. I'm also concerned that the shirt won't match the tie Tofu gave me. No worries. I wonder if I'll like this place... I'm already waiting for my first paycheck.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Family Garage Sale

Today I dedicated myself to my family's garage sale.

My dad woke me up at 8:30 despite the fact that we had advertised 8 sharp. I promptly got ready and pulled out boxes and arranged junk that has been hiding in our garage. Most of it belonged to my deceased grandma. She used to collect rice cookers and old lady porcelain things. She had a ton of fabric because she used to sew me pj pants among other things; I still have a pair that I occasionally wear. As I arranged the fabric, I remembered the time my brother was 8 and he tripped on the PJ pants our grandma had made him and he fell against the stairs. He had a large gash across the bridge of his nose and a scar for 5 years.

Three Vietnamese ladies arrived and my mom worked her magic. Stuff was selling left and right; a dollar a piece. My mom found a couple of things that my grandma used to put in her hair and decided to keep it because it still smells like her. Among her trinkets and appliances, the governement gave my grandma a $5,000 electric wheelchair. She passed away before she got any use from it. My mom told me to help her sell it for $1,000. She told me she would use that money to pay for my grandma's tomb stone.

An old lady who spoke only Spanish bought 7 pieces of fabric and a food processor. When she was done shopping she approached my mom and said "Cinco." I counted in my head: Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco.. she wanted $5 for everything. Her smile was warm, her hands were strong, my mom agreed. She didn't have a car so we tried our best to put it in a bag for easy carry. And as she walked away, adjusting the heavy weight in her arms, I was reminded of my grandma who probably bought the same fabrics and food processor from another garage sale while walking in her neighborhood.

Smyr is moving into his apartment and I offered him Alysia's dining table. It made me really happy because I wanted to keep it within friends. He stopped by, decked out in professional clad. I also offered him a love seat and told them that he is obligated to let me hang out at his place because he has a piece of my furniture. With a half smile, he agreed but told me about parking problems in his complex.

During down time, I talked to my brother in an effort to understand him better. He loves this online game and I asked him, "besides fun, what else does this game accomplish? Do you get money? are you mentally stimulated? is there a prize?" He responded to my quazi condescending question that it was just for fun. I told him that it's cool that he has this hobby, but he needs to not make it a priority because there are other things in life that are important. He gets pretty flustered when he only gets 6 hours at a time on the web. I asked him about high school and he told me how much he hated the people, how there are so many cliques. I reassured him that things will get better. I thought about other people who hated high school: Gabe, Madeline. And I surely do not want him to have such negative memories similar to theirs. But high school is a horrible time for most people, it seems.

I went to arrange the boy's clothes and found a T-shirt that belonged to Tofu that he bought it in Las Vegas. I remembered how he always buys tshirts when he travels. I held it in my arms and smelled it for a second, folded it and tossed it on my bed. I wondered if he would do the same, but concluded that he wouldn't because I have bad B.O.

As the sun started to hide behind our house, we slowly packed our things. We made $216 and celebrated with a Thai dinner. My brother really enjoyed it for once. He was whining for Arby's but settled for a garlic beef dish that he quickly devoured even though he assured our mom that he hated Thai. His stubbornness, like my sensitivity is both a strength and weakness.

Tomorrow, we'll get to do it agai, but with better advertising. I plan to strategically place arrows underneath other's signs pointing in our direction. Hey, I'm not covering any signs. It's fair gorilla marketing.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Real World Decisions and Mistakes

CNET called me...and I'm glad they did!

I told them that I was in a situation because I would love to work for them, but I already got a job offer here in San Jose and the only way to reconsider is dependent on the salary they offer. By working for CNET I would be forced to move and living costs alone would put me 7,000 in the negative yearly. I asked them directly and discovered that they would only offer 2,000 more than n and k! But they still wanted me and it feels good to get a call back! I told them to keep my resume on file and I will contact them when I have gained more experience! But at the same time, I may fall in love with n and k, even though they've given me a hard time.

n and k wanted 3 letters of rec in less than a week. Even though I emailed them, they wanted them from the source (basic protocol that I didn't know). In addition, they wanted my official transcript. They had already offered me the job and I contacted them to turn in the paperwork. When I arrived, they sat me down and questioned if I really wanted to work there. As it turns out, because I didn't email my interviewers to thank them (once again, basic protocol I didn't know), they wondered if I really was interested. It was my assumption that my frequent correspondence with the HR Director was good enough to show that I was interested. I guess not. They sent me home so that I can "think about it" and e-mail them with my decision. In addition, they told me that they had other strong candidates to interview. In addition to that, they mentioned some of my tasks that may bore me. I felt really stressed, I felt like they would retract their offer and it was THEY who didn't want me on staff and they wanted me to decline... Yeah Right! But they explained that they do not want to waste their resources because they had lost someone in the past to grad school. But really, I'm here to stay for at least 2 years.

That night, I wrote thank you/apology emails to the sales team who interviewed me and replied to the person who sat me down:

After thinking about our discussion today, I have concluded that working for [your company]is what I want to do. I feel as though I can offer a lot of myself to the company and would love to grow and be a part of the small family. I apologize profusely for not demonstrating my interest through basic follow up. This interview process has definitely been a learning experience for me and I can only thank you for being so patient. I am genuinely excited about the tasks in front of me and I absolutely can not wait to start the job.

I would like to continue with the original deadline and start work immediately on the 20th of August.

I look forward to working with you and I hope I can continue to demonstrate my interest in the office for years to come.


And there you go, I start work on Monday and I want to work. I have made mistakes and have learned from them. I didn't realize the importance of basic business protocol:

Send Official Transcripts
Ask your Letter of Rec writers to send the letter directly
Always thank the interviewer promptly through follow-up

But at the same time, I guess it's fair that I had to fight for the job and I'm lucky that I even got an offer considering my inappropriate behavior. At least I had extra resumes to hand to them (THAT I learned from an interview before!)

The Blank Club

One Long Island and a Shot of Chilled Grey Goose!

How fun! I am currently a little tipsy and by surrounding myself with great friends and my cousin, I have successfully put my mind at ease with all this anxiety that I have been suffering from lately. The Blank Club is chill and on Thursday nights plays 80s and New Wave! The stuff that Sandy and John Crisman listen to! I caught a couple of eyes with some cute guys and told my cousin I was gay! She told me she had the perfect guy in mind that she will introduce me to! Holla! I love it!.

I feel good, confident, and clear of all pressures that have been placed upon me. I figure that living life is more important that holding grudges or being so unforgiving. And I know if people are receptive of my actions then, power to you. I would rather be your current friend, than your regretful past. And that's what's up! ShhhhhIet

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Not Preoccupied Enough to Remain Undamaged

All I can do is swim laps until I swallow too much water, continue to be persistent because I still haven't gotten this job and post more hairchives. I can also watch "So You Think You Can Dance" until Sabra wins while eating chips and salsa.

My Favorite Dance: An 80's Power Lunch Jazz Routine. Please watch it.

I have been questioning my philosophies, especially when they've been challenged by someone whom I used to respect. But after everything, I've come to realize that my definitions have protected me thus far. I let myself become vulnerable to those who meet them. Yet even those people failed to return an expectation...surprisingly. And really, I don't expect THAT much; I am fair. But now, I have learned that I can only depend on myself (and the 24 Hour Fitness down the street) so there is no room for cursing and crying to those who trashed my relationship with them. I'll continue to give myself until I return everything I owe and continue to deliver respect and honesty because it's worth it to me. And being strong doesn't mean being silent. So, I'll continue to share my thought process.

It's a choice to disrespect me, but I hold my head high and offer a fading smile.

Hairchive: The Blown to the Right

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Return to Sender

What a slap of reality.

I don't keep a lot to myself, my personal thoughts and opinions are pretty much public as you can see by this blog, but now I really understand why I should. Even the most delicate piece of information finds its way back to its source. Like a phone tree, the information is passed down exponentially, but the more delicate the information, the slimmer the tree as the connections are chosen carefully. Each link is justified, mature and rational and even though it's no longer exponential, it still comes full circle quicker than expected. Through good friends, lovers, best friends, past lovers, roommates; its like a game of telephone and in the end the message is a warped interpretation of the intention of the sender. It's more painful than a phone tree because each connection is carefully selected and stamped repeatedly with the letters T.R.U.S.T. by each person in line.

The more delicate the information, the bolder the letters are stamped. And when it inadvertently finds its way back to its sender, the original stamp is hidden under scrambled letters after being tagged so often. Everyone in line suffers because their letters have been shuffled. The only means of prevention and protection, is to stamp the letters, T.R.U.S.T. and send it to yourself. Only then will the letters remain bold, undamaged, and coherent.

But why would anyone want to send anything to themselves?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Body Maintenance

24 Hour Fitness is a social hub! Not only are there hot guys walking around, but I've also run into a couple of people from high school.

Once I got out of the pool, I greeted my friend who "recognized the way I swim." I guess being on the swim team together allows such observations. I also ran into Smyr's dad and my friend's boss. This is my new Sproul!

Well, not everyone is hot of course. There was this fat guy in the steam room with a Taco Bell nalgene. I was thoroughly amused.

I've been inspired by In only 16 weeks, this guy sculpted his body. Not saying that I want muscles all over; I just want to be confident when I take off my shirt.
I took off the picture because Tofu said it's something that I shouldn't be posting; I should wait for a "before and after" opportunity. Well, there you have it! You should read my blog quicker to see embarassing pictures of me.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Obligatory Excitement!

I was offered the job!
I met with the president and he told me that there are two reason I should not take the job offer: If it wasn't what I really wanted to do and if I was just doing it just to have a job.

Check and check. Too bad, I'm going to take it anyway. I'm going to be the youngest in the company and I'm going to come home tired, wishing I was back in college screwing around with people my age. But I need this. I hate wasting time, I hate uncertainty and I hate being so cheap.

I was pressured into getting a job because my friends had jobs already, I was tapping into my savings and I was wasting my timing doing nothing at home.

My cousins told me that they wished they didn't work right after college. My friend told me shes going to travel for a while before she starts working. My friend told me that she hates work!


Deteriorating Censorship

Why don't people speak their mind? Because of the fear of being judged, inadequate or inappropriate. In this society, it makes sense, but when walls are lowered leaving nothing but honesty exposed there is a great sense of relief no doubt. And recipients of honesty react. This weekend, I took the opportunity and was honest with someone that I never thought I would be honest to.

I felt shady because I had motives, but instead of acting on desire, I acted on intelligence. Instead of giving up my body, I gave up my mind. I was honest and exposed and told my friend about things that aren't shared unless you're drunk, but I let my guard down regardless. He asked me if I was gay, and I said yeah. I was being myself. I was no longer censoring words. In return, he told me more about himself. We connected and I found myself without silence. I wanted to tell him everything I was censoring, he wanted to listen. He asked the right questions and even though I was telling him more about me, I felt as if I knew him better. When I had to say good-bye, I felt content. I finally lowered my wall and connected with someone outside of my definitions. And I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. But ironically, I probably won't see him ever again.

Hairchive: The Not-So-Trendy Taiwanese

Friday, August 10, 2007

Experiencing Growth

Today I walked the streets of Berkeley. I went to the new Walgreen's on Telegraph and then bought dollar noodles for brunch at the Asian Ghetto. Except, they were $1.50 now. And because of that reason, they weren't as good. So I boxed 3/4's of it back up and with no other destination other than ordering my transcript, my mind began to wander. I'm trying to figure out what's going on in my head. I wonder how many people I have disappointed in my life; how many expectations I failed to meet. How many friends I have "replaced" because they had served their purpose. But I won't focus on that because I'd be trying too hard to correct it. Tofu called me the other day from Japan, but only for a short while. So I ran to the 7-11 and bought a phone card to call him back.

It was nice; to be able to talk to him about what was going on and to share with him what I was feeling. And I feel like, that's one of the biggest losses I have experienced since his departure: his comfort and availability. I didn't realize how much I depended on him to listen to me and make feel better about petty things and life in general. And without that, I feel so closed off and sensitive; lonely and distant from everyone else. By not keeping myself busy, I am poorly adjusting. But I am making due and focusing on old San Jose friends, my health and my career. I am remembering how it's like to depend on myself and to experience life as an individual rather than a pair. This is probably the needed "growth" that I am experiencing.

Thursday was a good day. I worked out with Jane and caught up with her over Jamba Juice. I got a haircut and drove to n and k Tech and got a job offer that I will probably take. Then I drove to BevMo in Berkeley to buy drinks for people and though there was traffic, I was calm because I was talking to people about my job offer. I met up with Nick for Sushi and "the best Ice Cream in the world." He drove us to see Summer of Rice and I donated $2 for my entry. My friend from VSA asked me to donate for her and without hesitation, I put in an extra dollar in the box. She proceeded to walk in and I didn't hear a thank you. At that point, I realized I had been swindled by a hot girl. Even, I am a victim! But no matter, she was a good friend during the culture show, so it's no big deal. But I was amazed at my lack of hesitation. Oh boobs and the power they possess.

Theatre rice was pretty fun and it was great to see cool people in the crowd. I went to my first and last TR after party. According to Nick and Juan, it was surprisingly calm. I was just relaxing anyway. I crashed with John Viet and we talked about a couple of things. I feel old, outdated, and I that I don't belong anymore even though I just graduated. But that makes sense.

I'm debating whether or not I should stay here in Berkeley for another day. I feel like my reasons for staying are really shady. And I think I would be disappointed with myself if my intentions carry through about... but then again, it's all for fun and probably won't happen again. And if it doesn't happen, whatever. NSA.

Sorry for being vauge, but I'm sure you can figure out what I'm talking about.

Browsing downelink, I found motivation to work out everyday at 24 Hour Fitness:

The Goal has been set.
Tofu, you're going to get a pleasant surprise when you come back.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

24 Hours of Control

Yesterday, I had a 711 hotdog smothered in nacho cheese for breakfast. Then boba and starbucks for lunch and then walked around in the mall.

Today, I bought membership at 24 Hour Fitness, then I swam for 30 minutes straight. I feel strong and in control. I must remind myself to keep in control of my body and mind.

Hairchive: The Too Long Swing Dance

Build Me Up

Where is my energy? Last year, with my group of friends we managed to take 7gigs worth of pictures and videos, but everyone is pretty much moving on from our high school fun. I want to extend my youth as much as possible, but what's the use when there's no one to experience it with.

Might as well grow up with everyone else.

Here's a clip of us at a Karaoke Bar in 2006.

Yesterday, I told my friend that I like to be independent. He responded, "REALLY?" I asked him what he meant by his reaction. He explained that he always thought of me to be dependant and clingy. I guess, in some ways I am. But aren't we all? We need love and support and if we don't pursue it, it will never come. Though I guess I've always been surrounded by people and dying alone is something that I don't want to happen to me. If that makes me clingy, then I'll find a way to make it one of my strengths.

There are 3 people I've kept in touch with from middle school and 7 people I talk to from high school. From my middle school, one person told me that I was the best part of their senior year when they took me to the ball. Another friend from middle school used to write me letters unil mid-way through college when I failed to respond, but then I talked to her on the phone for 4 hours catching up the other day. Yesterday, I called the last person's house phone because I had memorized it because I had called it so much in middle school. We went shopping and she makes me laugh so hard.

I guess I'm lucky. I'm trying to have that with my college friends. But everyone lives so far. And it's difficult to get close because everyone is so distracted. And I find myself with too many expectations that sometimes drive people away. And then let myself get hurt because I'm asking for friendships to be defined rather than let it be fluid. Let things happen naturally instead of "forcing fun."

I must learn not to make myself so vulnerable. Life lesson learned. But processed? Like how I always get bad haircuts, I'll always make the same mistakes.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Letters of Rec

I asked for letters of recomendation and got them close to immediately.

They made me realize that one of my true strengths is definitely passion.

And because of passion, I am able to communicate to a variety of audiences because I internalize everything I dedicate myself to. But as a down fall, I am really sensitive.

It's interesting to see what others think of you. And it's motivating me to meet those expectations.

Hairchive: The Chunky Spikes

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Family Matters

Yesterday, I took family portraits for my church directory.
My parents are really hot, check it out:

A couple of days before, I helped my cousin and aunt move out of their house. It's been really hard for them because that house has so much history. It's where everyone grew up. All my cousins, most of my aunts and uncles have attachments because of multiple memories. Because of numerous difficulties, my aunt who lived there had to give it up. I have memories of being a super hero and flying down the stairs on top of a mattress. I have memories of swimming in their giant pool and going underwater every time the train came to get the sensation that there was an earthquake underwater. I have memories of opening Christmas presents and Thanksgiving dinners, but every year the house full of people got less and less crowded, until there were only obligatory gifts under the tree instead of those purchased by a warm hearts.

I'm trying to be as helpful as possible, so I offer my truck to help them move things to storage. My cousin let me borrow her Acura in exchange, and it was quite amazing. I think I have developed an interest in driving other people's cars. For that moment you're on the road, you are them. From the minute you adjust their mirror, you are seeing what they see for a large portion of their day. You're listening to the music that they listen to and you're in their most comfortable and natural space. My cousin's car was absurdly clean, the seat was reclined and there was salsa music in the CD player. I felt like I was her coming back from salsa dancing and reclined because my muscles were so sore. I felt like I stepped into an intimate area of her life and because I was behind the steering wheel, it was as if I was her, driving home from a regular day. Amazing.

This is my dog, can you tell which end is which?

Friday, August 3, 2007

Downe and About

Being gay is actually one of the first things I describe myself as and it's difficult because I let that be the defining factor of how close I get to people. I respect people who know and approach me about it (like Sally). If you know I'm gay, it opens a lot of doors. It's kind of silly, but I act very differently around people who I think don't know and who I know, know even though I shouldn't.

Story: Hanging out with Smyr and his really straight friend Glenn. Glenn goes, "Yeah, I was a sophomore! I shouldn't have been working so much, in fact, I should have been knee-deep in pussy!" I respond in the DEEPEST voice possible, "OH I know what you mean!" *grunt*

God I was so disgusted. Anyway...

It's hard for me to say... "hey, you probably do, but I just want to check, do you know I'm gay? because I want to share with you my real thoughts."

So, if you want to get close to me, because I want to get close to you, please tell me: "Chris, you're gay, I know, duh... now stop smiling and tell me about yourself."

But at the same time, it's cool having a secret, even though, really, it's not a secret... at all.

You know I'm gay, right? But not just for the amazing sex, I enjoy the culture and underground community. That's really the best way to dabble in multiple organizations at Cal because you know... most of them are gay.. right? Open your eyes people.

BTW, if you're a straight guy with a sexy voice please flirt with me.

Check out the GAY-O-Meter
How GAY are you? I'm 36%! Despite what you think!

Exposing Weakness

I am an idealist when it comes to certain things. I imagine movie like moments, picture perfect kisses, and dramatic endings. But my life isn't a movie and if it is it would be like "BRATZ." I find myself so disappointed when things don't go the way I day dreamed.

I have rules, definitions of ideal friends and events. But not everything is so cookie cutter and it's so difficult for me to realize that. But I'm trying. It's hard because there is so much pride in the way. I respect those who do not have such expectations and live in the moment the way it plays out; people that don't let their weaknesses rule them. They can look at reality, come to a conclusion, and follow through. They look at their choices and hesitate not to pick the most realist decision that result in the best outcome leaving pride behind them. Bravo to you, I commend you.

Hairchive time:
The Underwater Fuzz!


Tonight at the banquet, I was given multiple gifts that I truly do not deserve, but I will accept all of it.

1. The Gift of Company
-I was surrounded by people who showed me how much they appreciated me even though I don't deserve any of it.
-Asya and Christina came despite the fact that they didn't know most of the people there. They have been there time and time again even though we barely communicate, when they are asked to come, they come... with alcohol.
-Tika and everyone gave me the best hugs ever
-Eric let me wrap my arms around him for longer than the usual American hug greeting
-Tofu jumped out the car in front me and joined me in my car in the middle of the road because I felt lonely.

2. The Gift of Flowers
-Sally and Colleen bought me flowers. They selected those that reminded me of them: Sunshine! Brilliant.
-Trinh bought me a boutonniere to match my semi formal outfit!

3. The Gift of laughter
-Michelle and Dina got me out of a bad mood. They made me laugh and reminded me how much I loved their company

4. The Gift of Generosity
-Tofu offered to pay for my AAA fee, which is really nice considering that I have been using invisible money to pay for my gas, dinner, and parking
-Katie and Brian offered to let me crash at her place because I was feeling tired

5. The Gift of Pictures
-If I had a good camera, I would have taken pictures with everyone in the room. But my mind was set at ease as people asked to take pictures with me with their camera. I am important enough for them to remember.
-Tofu gave me a picture that he collaged in a frame; images that reminded me of great times I've had with him.

6. The Gift of Words
-Trinh made a toast dedicated to me and Tofu
-Sally told me that I showed her how to care and that she couldn't image next year without me
-Kevin listened to me when I needed to vent and told me things I needed to hear
-Vincent and Colleen told me that I was always welcome at their places
-My name was called when I walked into the room as if I was missed
-I was touched, but I felt rude. I felt as though I stepped into a banquet for someone else because I didn't expect any of it.

I don't know. I wished I had helped plan the banquet with Trinh because she deserves it more than me or Tofu, yet she did all the work. I wish I invited people, but I let Tofu invite people for me and as a result, I left people out. I wished I walked around to talk to people like Tofu did, but I was distracted by so much selfishness. Despite all of that, it was an evening in which I received so many gifts that it will take me a while to unwrap them and put them in my room. I can't thank everyone enough, especially Trinh for their gifts to me. I feel like a spoiled child who deserves a spanking rather than all the gifts under the Christmas tree.

Bad Moods

A number of things can get people into a bad mood.
An injustice, a rude remark, hunger, heat, disrepect; like taste in music, it varies from people to people what cues set them off, but the question is: how do you get out of it?

Fresh air, deep breaths, jokes, venting- that's a good one, but sometimes it's not enough.
And a bad mood can ruin important evenings, relationships because they destract from larger pictures and goals. Sometimes people feel justified by their mood and let it rule themselves, others may not even know why but let it continue to destroy their time anyway, and sometimes people feel justified, but realize that its important to not let their mood affect their evening and try and try and try to snap out of it, but can't.

How do you get yourself out of a bad mood? When understanding that it's important not to let it affect your time isn't enough to snap you out of it?